I grew up with a solid foundation in faith and religion. Aside from school, it was a dominant and containing force in my life. A child takes these things for granted and it's not until later that their faith may be tested. By the time I had turned 18, I had lost my faith completely and was a somewhat "at risk" teen. If it weren't for a few instrumental people holding me together and showing me the way, I wouldn't be able to complete my education. The gift of these people was an act of God. Throughout my college years, my faith was rebuilding and when I was in my first year of graduate school, I had my first spiritual awakening. I would describe a spiritual awakening as connecting with a deeper purpose and feeling the presence of God in a more tangible way. My prayers no longer were asking God for things I wanted. Instead, I lacked nothing, and asked God how I could give my abundant blessings to others that needed them more than me. This shift in my way of relating with the world rekindled my spirit and I was often on cloud 9 as a new therapist. It was a powerful time. Of course, soon enough my faith was tested again, with the passing of my mother. My world began to spin, I was no longer grounded, I was not in control of anything anymore and I knew it. I regained focus on myself and decided to keep pushing forward no matter how I felt. I grew my career, got married, and had a beautiful baby. Facing turmoil around me and in the world with the pandemic, I tried my best to stay grounded in the incredible miracle in front of me, my son. There were also people I loved suffering spiritually around me, and incrementally my faith was eroding further, not even consciously. I was absorbing so much negativity, I could not expel it from my post birthing body. I slipped back into old ways of caretaking and neglecting myself. I was disconnected and detached from others and myself, numb. This was just a new normal. Again, God's outstretched hand saved me. One Saturday, I decided to go with my baby to a nearby shul. A powerful wave moved through me that day. It hit me. I had completely lost myself in my marriage and in being a mom. Where was the fun girl that liked to smile, dance, joke, travel, and adventure? More importantly, where was my Judaism? Why did I stray from it so far? When did that really happen? When did I lose my faith in humanity, myself? In that moment, I pushed everything and everyone aside as a guttural reaction. I began to experience yet another awakening, this time to the core of who I was as a child and remembered everything that I had buried and forgotten for possibly 20 or more years. I was consciously returning to my core self, and it was Judaism that opened the door. A few months later, my father passed away, which pushed me further into alignment as I was shaken to my core and was flooded with childhood memories. I was ready to heed the call although it was very scary as everything around me seemed to be crumbling and I was in immense pain. The old me had to die to be born again. How great is God, to show me the signs, to save me, once again. It was clear to me now. God was saying, "It's your turn to heal. Here is your soul tribe." For the first time, my faith is renewed, deeper than ever and by choice. It's constant work for me the remove conditioned negative beliefs, conditioned roles and expectations, but through the love and acceptance of myself as I am today, I continue to stay true to myself. A ritualistic life began to keep me in check and not let me succumb to other forces. Which leads me to why I have chosen to begin the process of what I call "learning". There is no outcome in mind, such as, "I will become religious." I am simply enjoying this process and it is the process I seek. I am learning how to let go, how to trust, how to open my heart, how to give and how to receive. I am relearning my purpose and my human essence. I am relating to the sages that were flawed and tested in bigger ways than me. There are no happy endings in their stories but there are meaningful lessons that are universal. I am learning how to release and let go and relax. I am learning how to cook! All in the meantime, giving my son what his little soul needs to be nourished. I am rejecting toxicity from others and the secular world. I am thankful to my ego for protecting me, but I don't need it anymore. I feel like I am thawing, seeing with more clarity and regaining vitality. I accept that as a spiritual person, that I must also compliment that with the application of ritual and practice, otherwise I may float in the wind to some other space that is not healthy for me. I am enjoying the juxtaposition of psychology with theology. Sometimes it's like 2 languages for the same thing. But religion speaks to the heart and the core unlike any science that is intellectualized. Life is a very narrow bridge, and I am not afraid anymore because my trust is in God. He is my king and I belong to him.
Idan Raichel - Beresheet (In the Beginning) עידן רייכל - בראשית
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